seeking

I have always been a wanderer, at least in my mind. The best part about being an introvert is that you don't get bored being alone. To be honest, it's more fun being by yourself because of the vastness of your imagination and all the 'processing' that seems to have no end.

Of course, there isn't only one type of introvert. We aren't homogenous. Even amongst ourselves, we have our individual quirks. Because, for an introvert, I still desire interaction. I love knowing people. I love stories. I love putting pieces of a puzzle together, knowing that this kind of puzzle can never be completed.

How paradoxical that I see no end to knowing a person but in my day-to-day life, I like to organize, compartmentalize, complete, finish, and put an end to things? Like I feel a sense of accomplishment knowing that I can check things off of my to-do list. But that doesn't happen with people. People can't be figured out. People can't be placed under one label. People will continue to confound others. Don't you think that you will find what you are looking for? We want what will become our bag of evidence so our ego can be stroked through pitiful arrogance. If you expect people to be a certain way, you'll end up only seeing people that way.

The worst thing is to be a person who looks for the good in everyone but be troubled with anger.

My anger is something I have yet to learn to be okay with.

I struggle. My struggle is something that that loses meaning when explained into words.

I'm nostalgic. For what has passed, for what once used to be.

I miss things. All the time.

I'm at a loss because I don't know what it is that I am seeking today.

tuesdays

I can't wait to get through Tuesdays. I can't wait to get through work the first three days of the week. My stress and anxiety has been through the roof in last few days. It's been multiple areas of my life that are just getting to me and I can't deal with any of them right now. Somehow I've been getting some schoolwork done. I've been getting through individual sessions without too much of a struggle. But group work and everything else, I don't know how to cope. I don't sleep well. I eat too much. All this stuff is coming up for me. My choices and behavior not aligning with my values and goals. I just feel terrible inside and don't know how to express the pain and fears. I don't like to explain myself...over and over...I don't like having to express myself, only to get a response that doesn't express understanding. What's the point of sharing if people can't affirm or validate you? They want to hear what they want to hear.

I can't fix everything. Also, I can't fix anything because it's not my job to do that. Some things aren't really broken to begin with. My friend is going through a difficult time but even before that, she was experiencing a lot of distress and I just don't know how to be there for her. I even reached out asking what I could do or for some guidance on how to be a good friend and I haven't gotten any response about it. It's hard for her. And I have to accept that sometimes I just really can't do anything and that doesn't make me a bad friend. A lot of people are busy. Very few keep in touch regularly. I'm busy too. It's hard enough to focus on work, school, family stuff, relationship, my own interests and needs, and friends don't get as much attention anymore. I love knowing people but I've learned that I can't really be friends with everyone. I can't keep giving of myself, whether it's my time or words or anything else. I love crafting but boy does it take time to make cards, to find time to write out a message, to address an envelope, to get to a post office or mailbox. Don't people get how much time everything takes? I'm focused on details because that's the kind of person I am. I'm not a big-picture person. I have to take a couple of steps back to see the bigger picture.

Although in my head, I know there are ways to cope with the anger and anxiety and stress and whatnot. But I don't remember everything I've learned. Stress makes you forget a lot. Depression causes lack of focus and concentration. Is it a surprise that I am usually in a daze? Often just in my head or somewhere else? Telling me to be more present - what am I supposed to do with that? Being present is the hardest thing for me. To focus on someone's words long enough to get what they're saying. All that takes energy and being in the moment.

Being alone and having nothing to do - I should be able to do that without anyone making me feel guilty. I have so much on my plate right now, I think people should get off my back. It's already bad that I don't manage my time as well as I want to and so much of what I do depends on my MOOD. I am so flexible with people and open to compromise that nothing peeves me more when I have to deal with people who can't compromise or can't be flexible because they are too concerned with what THEY want instead. My needs are important to me, and I have a need for relaxation and rest away from people. If I don't get time alone to myself, my mind and body get stressed out and I try to pretend I'm fine, but I'm not. I become more forgetful, less focused, more depressed. All because I want to be left the fuck alone. Not wanting to be around people doesn't fuckin mean I don't like them or want to be around them. It means that sometimes I fuckin need the time to be by my fuckin self and I don't have a set time either. I don't have a 12 hour, 24 hour, 48 hour thing. Sometimes I may need a whole fuckin week to recuperate from the stress and shit from the week before. GOD. /end rant

It's hard to get to it, the stuff that has been bothering me. I feel like I'm going to need therapy for life.

how do you fight?

I had an idea for what I wanted to write but the words weren't flowing. I don't like conflict. I don't like disturbances to the harmony of a relationship. As much as I know it's common and normal for friends or couples to argue or disagree, it doesn't make it easier for me. It's great that some people can handle it without getting so anxious or overworked about it. That is awesome. That is so great that they learned to deal with things in a healthy manner and can be...normal...in a relationship. But that doesn't give anyone any right to make me feel bad or abnormal for not being able to tolerate conflict. Just like you don't tell someone who is depressed to "get over it" or someone with an anxiety order to do something that causes them any level of distress, you can't force someone to disregard their anxiety about conflict if they have never learned how. Take your time with that person. Expose them to it slowly. Comfort them every time they start to get anxious about it until they are able to tolerate it.

You shouldn't have to defend yourself so much. If people can't understand you, you should be able to let it go unless they keep pushing you or disrespecting you.

You know what trauma does to a person, especially when it happens at a young age? It stunts your emotional growth. It messes up your sense of security. If at a young age, you did not feel secure enough to voice your concerns, if you felt like you had to carry dark secrets, if you felt like you couldn't even go to your parents for protection, then how is that person supposed to learn to deal with anything when they get older? Adolescence is a time for you to explore your identity, to become more aware of yourself, to understand your emotional experiences a little more and to develop your relationships with people. But all I remember is being moody. I was always so emotional. And I learned it was all bad.

Fighting was bad. Expressing yourself was disrespectful. I learned that I had to say things the right way, using the right tone, at the right time. My parents are not horrible people. They meant well, but even with their seemingly good intentions, I became so self-conscious about how I came off, how I appeared, and if what I did was enough. Don't get me wrong, I received positive affirmations growing up and my parents were proud of my accomplishments. But I don't know at what point or why I always ended up focusing on what I did wrong. I didn't learn that making mistakes was okay or part of the process. It was usually "you should have tried harder" or "you should have known better."

I don't know how to fight. I just listen and process and take some space to deal with all the feelings that come up. I like to keep people happy. I will do whatever it takes to keep the peace in a relationship and if the person is hard to satisfy or toxic, then I separate ways from them. Even conflicts I've had with friends, we didn't know how to fight. We didn't talk things through until after we cooled down and learned what each person did "wrong." Regardless, we all needed the time to cool down. That's how we learned to fight. And then we got over it after we learned what the real issues were.

I think I get annoyed for other reasons. When I know the person isn't listening. When the person points out everything I did wrong just to make me feel bad without thinking for a second that maybe I'm genuinely unaware of my own mistake. I think the worst is when you are just having a seemingly normal conversation and it gets heated out of nowhere. I don't deal with interruptions or disruptions. It throws me off balance.

So tired. I am so emotional that I tend to come off as unemotional. Being vulnerable is not my thing. It doesn't feel safe enough.

At some point, these entries will get "better." This is only a part of me, and there are many parts to me. If I were to write an entry about crafting, you could say "wow, she's so passionate." If I were to write about my family, you could say "she's so blessed." If I were to write about my achievements in school and work, you could say, "she's so educated and knowledgeable." If I were to write an entry about my religion or spirituality, you could say "she's so conservative." I am all of those things and the opposite. You can't know happiness without knowing emptiness. You can't know what feeling bad is like unless you've felt good. You don't know light until you've been through darkness. Just remember, this is but a part of me. While I may not be fond of conflict, I am also very well connected with a lot of people and have strong relationships. You could say this is just my "weakness" -- something for me to work on, of course. The first step is acknowledgement of the problem.

Have a great night.

what is it?

All the thoughts shared in this blog are my opinions. I study abnormal psychology but it doesn't mean I am an expert on it. I mix in my own perspectives based on personal experiences, and this is a learning process for me as well. What exactly is depression? It's estimated that at least a quarter of people have had a depressive episode. Each person's experience with depression is different, considering there are a multitude of symptoms. People think depression means someone who is sad all the time, sleeps all the time, and barely eats. In the new DSM, it required that at least one of the symptoms is either depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure. But, I think that it should include irritability (like in the previous DSM).

At least 5 of the following are present in a two-week period:

1. depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report or observation made by others
2. markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
3. significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day
4. insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
5. psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day
6. fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
7. feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
8. diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
9. recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance or a general medical condition. 

(Source: DSM-5, American Psychiatric Association)

You've probably heard of the phrase functional alcoholics. I believe there should be a term for functional depressives. Some people are so good at masking their depression, being able to live seemingly productive, successful, well-integrated, social lives despite this debilitating disease. The amount of energy it takes for me to get out of bed every morning and get through each day, I could never explain. It feels like a war zone almost every day.

It has become to easier to tell people that I'm just tired or I'm having a rough week or that I may have ADHD or I am stressed about school/work instead of saying I am depressed or I am suffering from depression. It is exhausting to defend yourself (or to feel like you have to) especially when you don't quite understand why you have this. Was it from genetic predisposition? Was it past trauma? Was it because I didn't receive enough positive affirmations? Was it because I didn't feel secure or safe when I needed to most? Was it because no matter what I did or said, it had never been enough? Was I too sheltered or was I never given enough protection? Did I not receive enough love or the right kind of affection? Where did it go wrong? And why? Was it because I was more introverted and tend to analyze a lot? Was it because I liked to dream and had a hard time being mindful in the present? Was it because I was too sensitive and felt hurt easily?

I don't like depressing people. I don't feel okay to talk about it so I keep it to myself. I haven't written in months, maybe in over a year, and now I just want to get it all out. What results from writing may not be pretty. It will be messy. It will be ugly. It will be harsh. But eventually as I get through the anger and resentment and guilt and shame and horror, I will find the light and peace and save myself. If you can bear with me through this journey, then bless you. Maybe you'll learn something. Maybe you'll be able to relate and find comfort. Maybe you'll think differently of me because of my courage to be vulnerable. Regardless, this is for me to find healing within myself because no one could do it for me. There is no magic pill or perfect therapist. As I monitor myself for the next few weeks, I will share what I have found helpful and what I have found to be toxic to my recovery.

what is this?

It's been extremely difficult to write. It's almost like reconnecting with someone you absolutely cannot stand to be near. I'll let myself do some freewriting because otherwise, the words will never get said. I wait for the "right" moment in every aspect of my life and end up missing out on all that could have been. My fears consume me. Diagnoses at this point would be utterly pointless because I'm not trying to find someone else to relate to. I mean, it's nice when you're understood and you're feeling validated, your feelings are taken seriously, your struggles are not minimized. That's all very nice. But the work is for me to do. This is not a first-world problem. I can count my blessings, but depression already stems from so much shame that you don't want someone to make you feel worse for not feeling better about how great your life is.

I have a great family. I have amazing friends. I have a good significant other. I have many accomplishments to be proud of academically and otherwise. I have skills and talent and good qualities. This thing called depression can sometimes be so powerful, it clouds the way you think, the way you feel, the way you see things. At its worst, it is crippling. At a moderate level, it's manageable and sometimes you even ask yourself if it's there. The "selfish" thing about it is that it becomes all about you. It comes between you and everything else but you end up blaming yourself for it because you define yourself by it. You don't separate it as an invader of the soul but rather as who you are and that couldn't be further from the truth when you start to unravel what it is all about.

So how do you fight the dark shadows that have been there for so long? In its twisted way it tried to protect you from falling apart. It saved you and you feel obligated to keep it around. It feels safe. It sucks out all your energy and makes life so painful but you tell yourself you've tolerated it before and you can manage it again. Over and over. You get glimpses of what life without it could be like and when it feels unsafe, you run back to what made you feel comfortable. It's safe to numb yourself rather than feel all that anger.

Counselors are told that they need to be sensitive when working with clients because sometimes it takes a few words, however well-intentioned they may be, to break someone's will. It takes a lot of effort just to seek help, to want to take a look inside and fix what is so wrong, a lot of courage to trust and rely on someone that they'll understand even part of what you're going through. But the moment you talk, all you receive are messages like "it's not so bad" "you can try harder" "you're dramatic" "but you're doing so great otherwise" separating you from your feelings, taking away those feelings, just killing them off because they don't belong there. Your depression is drama. It wants attention. You're playing victim. You should set it aside and focus only on the good things in your life because you have plenty to be thankful for.

I am angry. I am angry for not being more assertive, for minimizing my own pain, for adopting others beliefs about me, for not being more self-compassionate with myself for this that I endure every day. I am angry at others for their violations towards me but I avoid conflicts because change in relationships, change in my life is anxiety-provoking. I am numb in looking back at things that may have made me this way because I'm afraid of all the emotions that may come out. I need a safe place to express, explore, and work through my issues. I have a lot of broken pieces, and maybe that might be a little bit of an exaggeration but the way I see it and the way you perceive it doesn't have to match for me to validate my own feelings, my own existence.

This is not an excuse for my behavior or words towards others. There is no excuse towards being condescending or cruel to anyone else. Anybody who is like that has their own pain to deal with and is not ready to address it. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge your own shortcomings, your diseases. Sometimes I fear if the depression has become so bad that it has done irreversible damage to my thought processes. Will it ever be enough just for me to try?

I don't feel any better writing this. The only thing I'm seemingly good at it is putting things aside. Well, I find myself constantly tripping over that pile. That "right" moment doesn't exist. Waiting to be a better person before committing to a relationship, waiting to learn enough skills before working at a challenging job, waiting to figure out all the right things to say before addressing conflict...yeah, all those things don't have the right time. You do what you can to prepare and the rest is just a learning process, but one you can get through or either learn to walk away from.

Finding myself to be enough has been the hardest thing in the world that it makes me so in awe of those who are already there. Don't push me to get there because your experiences are different from mine. Don't push me is all I want to say to people. Don't tell me what to do, what to feel, what to think, how to behave, how to be better. That's for me to figure out on my own. Telling me any of these things makes me feel like you don't accept my choices or respect them. My whole life, I've been hearing how I should be because the way I am isn't enough. And now I'm just angry. Well, I'm irritated because I was told anger was wrong. I want to scream that none of this makes me a bitch either. How sad it is for a woman to express her feelings and to be defined as "difficult" or a "bitch." A man to express his feelings should be applauded! A man is rational and a woman is emotional. Why isn't it okay to just be different?

So much comes up. So much. I want some quiet time, some downtime. I want to have "me" time without any guilt or shame or anger or negative feelings attached to it. I also don't know what I want and want to be okay with not knowing. Just because there is no "right" time doesn't mean that there is no time when it's safe enough, comfortable enough, or perfect enough to take advantage of when it presents itself. But I don't know. I don't know. 

build up

Day after day, they pile up, waiting to be addressed, acknowledged, tended to. These hurts. Then I get to the point of utter exhaustion, unable to escape from their clutches. Crying alone sucks. Having to cry sucks. Crying around others would suck more. At least for me. Must have it together because the world wants you to make sense of your life and do what's right. All I want is to be really heard and instead I'm met with all kinds of resistance or voiceovers. What about my voice? I don't matter. I don't really matter except when I'm doing right or being nice. When I'm anything else, then I'm just better off alone.

Every single day, I wonder what to do with the pain. And every day, I have to distract myself with life. 

It never goes away.

There are no answers.