kickoff

The start is usually exciting, but keeping that level of initial excitement alive is difficult, almost exhausting. It's natural for it to fluctuate, to fade, and then hopefully to reawaken. I'm known for starting a lot of interesting tasks, which often go unfinished. Immersing myself into an activity has been challenging, almost improbable even. Does that mean I won't try? I am passionate, but where has that passion gone? It hides away, in fear of facing the bumps on the road. Passion should be greater and stronger than fear and its obstacles. But I forget that lesson, just like other lessons. That's what humans do best: forget.

Overwhelm describes a lot about my state of mind and my life. About my passions, my cravings, my needs, my goals. I want it all, and I sometimes don't know where to go, when to stop, how to persist, and why I am wherever I end up. If I give it enough thought, it makes sense. If the thoughts get too much time and attention, I only add confusion to the mix, leading to a lot of indecisiveness, which does not help with confidence at all. My mistakes do not, should not, cannot define me. But we all focus on them, don't we? For better or worse. Either they give us a reason to do better as we learn from them, or they halt us in our paths because we cannot forgive ourselves for such blunders. If we think about it, what trail of anyone's consists only of perfections and good decisions, relationships, achievements, and celebrations? No one.

Acceptance is quite a feat. It's not a one-time thing, but it starts somewhere, anywhere. It is continual, persistent, and taxing, but it becomes easier over time, I hear. Denying the reality as it is only invalidates all that is. And invalidation is no way to live. Acceptance does not mean that you approve or like what is, but that you finally realize what is under your control and you let go of what you cannot change. It is supposed to be relieving, a lightness of mind and heart. Judgment clouds your mind, darkens your world, and taints your relations. I want to free myself from that which suffocates me.