build up

Day after day, they pile up, waiting to be addressed, acknowledged, tended to. These hurts. Then I get to the point of utter exhaustion, unable to escape from their clutches. Crying alone sucks. Having to cry sucks. Crying around others would suck more. At least for me. Must have it together because the world wants you to make sense of your life and do what's right. All I want is to be really heard and instead I'm met with all kinds of resistance or voiceovers. What about my voice? I don't matter. I don't really matter except when I'm doing right or being nice. When I'm anything else, then I'm just better off alone.

Every single day, I wonder what to do with the pain. And every day, I have to distract myself with life. 

It never goes away.

There are no answers.

the stolen pie

On the train yesterday, I saw an advertisement for a moving company. It displayed a checklist for reasons for moving, and one of the reasons was "writer's block," which I found humorous. I remember I wrote novels and poetry in high school and that my biggest writer's block set in when we moved to this house in 2001. Suddenly, I couldn't finish any of my stories' endings. At least that's how I remember it. Who knows what I was experiencing at the time? There's a block but I cannot explain it.

During winter break, I had ordered pecan pie to be delivered to Mandi's house since she had never tried it and I was a bit obsessed with it at the time. Someone stole the pie from her front porch. I have never had a package stolen because they don't leave it at the front door here. Since I haven't worked in nearly two years, I was upset at the loss and also that people did such petty things. When I think about the concept of stealing, I focus more on what you're losing than what you're gaining. I think of what the act does to your character and wonder how one perceives life to feel the need to take away something that doesn't belong to you. But how can we understand anybody's intentions if we can barely keep ours in order? 

I find myself more distracted than usual. I'm angry, and I cannot seem to express it. And even when I do get to talk about it, I am disappointed with how pointless it was to have opened up. I question discussing pain and negative emotions even when the guilty party acknowledges it but doesn't do anything about it. Is unconditional love real? I've witnessed it, although I feel conditions are still a part of every bond. Some conditions simply lead to disappointments and strains without breaking ties. Love diminishes slowly even while it strengthens over time. How's that for paradoxical? Love is one of those things.

At times, I believe that I wasn't made for a romantic relationship because I prefer just dreaming about it. Living it is different. It's painful, it's challenging. It's particularly strenuous for the self-sacrificing type because that person has to pick between appeasing another constantly, to avoid conflict, and following one's own moral code. Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't bother me, but because I am slow with my emotional growth, I don't know how to start that conversation. I compromised on things I didn't want to compromise on, and I live with the resentment. I don't think I'm good at fighting for myself. My guilt and shame leave me feeling helpless and cornered, giving into others' desires than my own. And even when I give into my own desires, I regret not having been stronger. What's there to be proud of when you think I've overcome battles, when I'm just really trying to get through each moment without losing my mind?

I share less and less over time. Maybe I don't trust my voice. I've learned that some things are better left unsaid. That what I think, what I feel, what I want, what is best for me is not as important to others as their own thoughts, feelings, and desires. I struggle with choosing which voice to follow, which leads to struggling with feeling confident, secure, and content. Only when I listen to my own voice will I finally let go of all that weighs me down. 

do you need me?

How do you know if your existence in this world is making any difference at all? Who gets to decide that anyway? Who sets the standards for what is "good enough"?

In some parts of the world, people celebrate life and enjoy all the little pleasures. In other parts of the world, there's someone who has lost a spouse, a child, a friend, a parent, a neighbor, a loved one. There are people abused, violated, exploited, shamed, tormented, lost, abandoned, forgotten. Some suffer more than others while some are blessed beyond necessary. There will never be balance in this world because that's not the purpose of its creation. Adam was created for a purpose and he enjoyed the fruits of Paradise until he was led astray. So, no, this world will not know balance or justice in all matters. And nothing goes unwatched or forgotten when it comes to our Lord. He sees all that is happening, and prayers will not go unanswered. There is a reason for certain things to happen, regardless of how horrifying or unfair they may seem. We will not understand everything that happens. That doesn't mean that pain and suffering should be minimized. Our hearts bleed because they were made to feel. Desensitization is nothing to be proud of. Hearts weren't made to ignore each other's emotions.

I like to absorb into me all that surrounds me, which is why I'm so fascinated by how much there is to read, all that we could talk about, the infinite possibilities of creative work and construction, etc. The way the mind works, how the body functions, how people socialize, think, feel, develop as well as destroy, divide, hurt, leave, and die inside. All the different cultures, customs, traditions, religions, ways of living, eating, building, working, and being part of the problem and solution. Our spirituality, emotions, worldliness, physical needs, and intellectuality. The concepts of good and bad, growth and stagnation, success and failure, light and darkness, intimacy and isolation, support and hindrance, etc. The things we could learn and use, what we can adapt to and from, what we can teach and create, it's endless. God created us to have free will, to choose how we want to live and make best of our short existence on Earth. And everyone has an opinion of what we should and shouldn't do,  of what we could and don't do. The biggest regret man has on his deathbed is wasting time, of not doing more and better things with the time they had been gifted with.

My mind wanders. I "write" in my mind, while I keep myself busy or simply relaxing. Depression cannot be blamed for everything, even for the lack of motivation I possess. Sure, the smallest things feel like a chore and I would much rather do nothing. But, even that is dissatisfying so I am not entirely sure what brings me constant comfort. I like being productive because it makes me feel like I'm making a difference, that I'm being useful with my existence, and that I have something to offer. At the same time, I know that I can offer the gift of relaxation to myself. I almost said I deserved it, but who knows what we truly deserve? Our viewing lens are narrow and biased. If we truly cared for one another, we would want the same for others that we want for ourselves. We wouldn't be so jealous or angry or resentful towards one another. So we view our worlds and other people with tainted lens, and we think we deserve the best of everything.

On a random note, I connected with my SU demonstrator, gave a brief introduction and showed her some of my recent cards. She thought they were cute. I've been using old used stamp sets since I cannot afford to invest in the new ones yet. They're still pretty useful - not like my recipients/buyers will really care if the stamps I used are "old." SU has nice stamps, but Papertrey Ink and Unity Stamp Co. have a greater variety. PTI also has really nice papers. I cannot wait to get my hands on those. My USC order should arrive by next week, and I'm so excited to make cards for other reasons besides birthdays! I've always liked to send random messages to friends, and this is a really creative way to do so. I want to learn how to make envelopes, gift boxes, and other crafty things. Someday I'll be hosting parties using the things I make. The kind of craft/study room I have will be so adorable since I'll design it myself! :)

I get to hang out with Julie tomorrow! We might get our nails done, have some lunch, chill by the water. On Monday, she and I will go to the Planetarium at AMNH in NYC. We're so excited. I haven't been to a museum in a loooooong time. I have a headache. I wanted to write more, but I've gotta go do more work in the kitchen.

the summer that flew by

There's lots to be said, but I cannot explain why I do not write. Today is Eid-ul-Fitr and, as usual, we're just relaxing at home. The guys went for prayer in the morning while the women and children stayed home (this equals chaos). My mom cooked. I helped my sister with her make-up. My niece looked so adorable!! My outfit was gorgeous but the size, as usual, was disproportionate. I changed, of course, so I could clean. Lately, my obsession has been for stamping, and not so much for scrapbooking. I tried to do a few pages in my smashbook, but I get interrupted a lot. Nostalgia hits me hard, whether it's from a smell, a taste, a touch, a sound, a moment of déjà vu.

I ordered a lot in the month of July. My mom puts on henna regularly, but she gets hers from Pakistan or the desi stores around here. I wanted to get something of good quality so got something after days of researching - henna plus indigo so I could try to cover my grays. My mom and I finally applied it on Saturday, and to our surprise (I accidentally had frozen the indigo powder), it actually worked. I'm happy because I have so much left over, which means it can last me many, many months, maybe even more than a year. The company accidentally sent me the wrong amounts of henna so they're going to send me the rest to make up for the error. I end up with a lot of extra indigo, too. :) The other purchase was of Naturally Amari hair products from Etsy. It took about 3 weeks to finally receive it, but I think it was worth the wait. Already, my curls have some definition and my hair feels thicker. It's dark and glossy, probably from the henna + indigo application too.

I got some Eidi from my family, which means more stamps. :D I still need about $250 (for $400 value of stuff!) for my next order with Stampin' Up - lol I want to take advantage of the one-time 30% off coupon I get from them, which ends end of August. I'll invest in all that is left for me: die-cut/embossing machine with some cutting/embossing dies, their trimmer and supplies, embossing powders and heating gun, my ink pad refills, their small adhesives, and if I can squeeze it in, markers or blendabilities. I know my purchasing will never end because they'll always have new paper, stamps, ink colors, etc.

Writing isn't coming so easily to me now. Seems I do it better in my head. I'm such a dreamer, where do I want to go? I love how I keep discovering new passions. Little things make me happy. I want to try it all. So, I've been starting my collection for scrapbooking, card making, and other crafts. My love of colors, patterns, creativity, images, words, handmade things, and organization comes together through this. I could lose myself for hours, days in the crafts, but I don't get that much time to myself at home. :( It annoys me, but I'm grateful that this passion has pulled me out of a deep depression. Creating and expression helps me to build my confidence. I wonder what it will lead to...

I can't believe that it's almost August. My last semester ended on May 12, so over 2 and 1/2 months have gone by. School starts in five weeks, and I'm really nervous! I'm hoping my books don't cost me a lot, especially since the fees have gone up. To save, I'm going to try to rent or find online versions which will be practical because of the iPad. Field will be quite a challenge, and I am not looking forward to the process recordings.

Anyway, I figured I should just write whatever I can so that I get my thoughts flowing. I'm not even sure how I feel lately (except excited when I'm shopping and stamping lol). I love all the pretty colors and designs I have. My first purchase was made by my nephew for $2, and I didn't even get him an envelope. Children are so simple - the way they interpret the world around them is interesting.

August is almost upon us - my bro returns from Indonesia on Thurs, I get to see friends again now that fasting has ended (yikes, where did the month go?), and the most exciting thing to look forward to is a paid trip to Miami with my best friend. I just have to have enough for food and miscellaneous. I can't wait to get some sun and hang out with her for a few days, and I'll also get to see my other friend there.

It's funny how we forget all the little things, too. I won't remember a lot of this a year or few from today anyway. Like getting the extra henna, some extra oil, all the yummy food I've had this year, making spaghetti and meatballs for the first time, also chicken 65, the epiphanies I've had through reading or conversations, all the funny things that my nephew has said, the challenging days, all the changes with my bro and dad moving back, my other nephew being born -- all those thoughts, feelings, dialogues will mostly be forgotten. One day into the next...

I lost a lot of weight during Ramadan, but gained some of it back during my last week due to my "break." Ah, well, I'll see if I can find the motivation (or strength to resist the lack of motivation) to get to the gym. My membership is active until end of January next year. I miss reading. I miss writing. I miss exploring the world around me. And that makes me sad that I don't give those passions enough of my time and concentration. Therapy can only do so much. I still carry so much of my pain, but what's the point of talking about any of it? I swallow it all back. I miss poetry, music, nature, and solitude. I can't wait to be working again (though I understand it'll be challenging), but I miss having my own money.

I am spoiled blessed with lots of love from family, friends, and others. I miss being one of the grateful ones. I hope I can discover the parts of me that make me happy with myself and accept the parts of me that are not so likable. But they are still me.

becoming centered

I read a lot, and I save parts or quotes that resonate with me.

When you are frustrated or restless: Ask "What am I wishing for now? What is wrong with what I have?" Then say: "This suffices." Welcome what life is offering you in this moment. Accept what you have been given and be satisfied.

I do not recall where I got that from. It's really powerful and comforting. It is what helps one become centered. Trusting in what is, in yourself, in others, in life's happenings, you become centered. You find peace through acceptance, through compassion and simplicity. You find it through being satisfied with your lot in life, through loving what you do and doing what you love, through connecting with others. There are many ways of finding peace, of becoming centered.

Often I have dreamt of traveling and taking note of different places, foods, cultures, dialogues, and people. I want to go outside of myself and see what the world holds, but I have a hard time doing that when I limit my world. So what do you do when you have difficulty accepting what is? I thought to myself that if I had to pick a word to describe my mood in 2014 so far, it would be "annoyed." Without judgment, I just want to accept that it has been how I've felt for the most part, whether at school, home, with my relationships, or myself.

It's one thing to count your blessings - I'm aware of that. Yet, that doesn't mean "negative" feelings that arise should be suppressed, ignored, or snubbed. There's a purpose to them. It means something might need a change, whether it's yourself, your attitude, your outlook, or even the environment. The beauty of social work is that you try to understand the challenges that a person faces despite their efforts for change, regardless of the fact that everything one does or doesn't do is a choice. Life happens to me, but how I feel about it, what I do about it, whether I accept it or not, it's always a choice. Keeping that in mind, I must add that it doesn't take away discomfort, the frustrations or pain.

No matter how learned one is, some lessons are forgotten and learned over and over and over. When I pray for something like patience or guidance, what I get are more tests. I guess it has to be practiced. You don't just get to be patient or guided. And you don't just get to be centered either. But we have all been all of these at some point, so it's not impossible. It fluctuates, like faith, like everything else in life.

tests

I failed myself. Someday I'll be able to forgive myself for it. My heart is broken, and I feel alone again. Someday I'll learn from this. 

what brings us together

Without a doubt, the month of fasting is one of hardship. To go a whole month without food, drink, pleasures, as well as bad habits requires a lot of self-restraint. It requires a raising of God-consciousness, of awareness of ourselves and the way we choose to live our lives. In secret, one can choose to obey the rules or break them. Many of us wear masks for the world so that they see the best of us, the parts that they will like. Yet, we have to give each other the benefit of the doubt sometimes. It would be wrong for us to assume, presume, imagine, conjecture the worst about each other, especially when the evidence doesn't always quite add up. How can we go about labeling one another as nice or not nice, limiting our humanity to such restrictive words? At one point, we were all toddlers, children, human beings with similar, basic needs. Our relations, experiences, thoughts, and emotions shape and grow us into what we are. Think of the person who does not know how to be honest and how he learned that to survive. Think of the person who does not know how to say a positive or kind word and how he learned that to protect himself. It is not excusing the behavior or judging it to be good or bad, but that it is a reality that one should accept.

I went off on a tangent. I actually wanted to talk about tonight. This month brings families together when usually they are too busy to even have meals in the same room. This is the only time when we all break fast together, in the same room, sometimes all families, but mostly just us on this floor. Too much has changed in the past few years, some exciting changes and others rather challenging. My father goes to the local masjid to break his fast and joins us later. That's been his habit since last year. Today, it was just my brothers, my sis-in-law, my mother, and my nephew. As we sat there without the TV on (that's rare), my nephew asked if he could watch TV since no one was talking during family time. So I asked him to ask questions then. He said he didn't know what to ask so I said, "Start with something basic. How was your day?" The conversation that ensued afterward just made everyone laugh. The kid's got jokes, and he notices a lot, too. His comments on what he observes is adorable. Even if it is for just an hour, at least this month brings us together in one room. I cannot count all the blessings I have, despite the depression I struggle with. I am hopeful that God understands my gratitude even if I do not say or show it enough. I hope that the God Who understands all the languages in the universe, also understands my silence and what I cannot say.

During the worst of times, we should be looking at the bright side, though I know that sometimes it is impossible to acknowledge it. As believers, we are taught that everything that happens is for our best -- whether it's to help us grow, to change the path we're on, to show us what we were blind to, etc. Not many of us want to see it that way, however. Our ego, our desires, our selfishness gets in the way. We don't want lessons, we want life to go the way we dream it. And that's another lesson we forget. Some of the most basic lessons we learn as a child is that "sharing is caring." We forget that "if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing." At what point did we care more about being right than care about getting along? We forget as our priorities change.

I asked in the last entry where my passion has gone, and I wondered what passions I was referring to. Initially, I couldn't recall what they could be, but I realized that my biggest passion was words, whether they were my own or someone else's. I have always enjoyed reading, writing, listening to stories, watching tales unfold, imagining what could be. All use words to explain, define, create, divide, develop, sustain, and color moments, experiences, lives, narratives, worlds. But some things cannot be expressed in words, so what fills the vessel of understanding?

I miss our old tenants. They were a unique bunch, didn't have much in terms of wealth or even health but they were some of the happiest people I knew. Blessed are those whose needs are simple, intentions pure, thoughts of gratitude and hearts free of ego. Whenever we had excess in food and sometimes in other things, we gave to them, and they never assumed that we thought less of them but their hearts were so great for accepting with pleasure. One stopped by tonight, and when I asked how she was, she said with such ease, "Great!" that I felt a tinge of envy. A good envy, I think (is that possible?) Should that be something I ought to be striving for? An attitude of joy for life as it is. She attends community college, works, and is, of course, fasting during this month, yet she maintains a rather positive outlook in life. Always has. She enthusiastically talked about how she just joined the gym (though she looks fantastic already!). I felt something within me. Nothing negative towards her -- she's a sweet person who exudes love in all her interactions. Are those standards I've set for myself? Is it really unattainable?

If one went around the world asking people to define happiness, to discuss what they want more of and what they could change about their lives, the answers would unquestionably vary. Not all of us want to be rich and famous. Religion, culture, education, early childhood, residence, age, gender, and temperament are only a few things that influence our outlook, expectations, perceptions, values, and biases.

Do I have a right to say I'm broken? Still, after all this time? It sounds romantic, albeit in a sad way. We go back to the topic of acceptance of reality as it is, of believing that things turn out the way they're supposed to. Perhaps we never really get over past hurts, but we do learn to move on from them. Sometimes we keep things to ourselves or we pretend they don't affect us, but is it at the cost of authenticity?

The beauty of trials is that it either brings people together or tears them apart. You learn who is willing to support you and who could care less.

I'm letting all the randomness out. I've been silent for so long that I don't know where I want to go with my thoughts, and I haven't figured out what's been triggering me and keeping me at such low points. Every time depression hits, it always feels like the worst time. So I cannot really say whether this is the lowest point of my depression, my life. I just know that when I'm there, I feel like there is no hope, no light, no goodness. Intellectually, there is, but emotionally I've got a void. Ideas for recovery float around me, but they haven't pulled me out yet. I suppose if I haven't completely given up yet, that means there is always hope, light, and goodness. There is always something to be thankful for. After all, my experience with depression has drawn me to amazing, beautiful, resilient souls so why shouldn't I be thankful for it?

kickoff

The start is usually exciting, but keeping that level of initial excitement alive is difficult, almost exhausting. It's natural for it to fluctuate, to fade, and then hopefully to reawaken. I'm known for starting a lot of interesting tasks, which often go unfinished. Immersing myself into an activity has been challenging, almost improbable even. Does that mean I won't try? I am passionate, but where has that passion gone? It hides away, in fear of facing the bumps on the road. Passion should be greater and stronger than fear and its obstacles. But I forget that lesson, just like other lessons. That's what humans do best: forget.

Overwhelm describes a lot about my state of mind and my life. About my passions, my cravings, my needs, my goals. I want it all, and I sometimes don't know where to go, when to stop, how to persist, and why I am wherever I end up. If I give it enough thought, it makes sense. If the thoughts get too much time and attention, I only add confusion to the mix, leading to a lot of indecisiveness, which does not help with confidence at all. My mistakes do not, should not, cannot define me. But we all focus on them, don't we? For better or worse. Either they give us a reason to do better as we learn from them, or they halt us in our paths because we cannot forgive ourselves for such blunders. If we think about it, what trail of anyone's consists only of perfections and good decisions, relationships, achievements, and celebrations? No one.

Acceptance is quite a feat. It's not a one-time thing, but it starts somewhere, anywhere. It is continual, persistent, and taxing, but it becomes easier over time, I hear. Denying the reality as it is only invalidates all that is. And invalidation is no way to live. Acceptance does not mean that you approve or like what is, but that you finally realize what is under your control and you let go of what you cannot change. It is supposed to be relieving, a lightness of mind and heart. Judgment clouds your mind, darkens your world, and taints your relations. I want to free myself from that which suffocates me.