How do you know if your existence in this world is making any difference at all? Who gets to decide that anyway? Who sets the standards for what is "good enough"?
In some parts of the world, people celebrate life and enjoy all the little pleasures. In other parts of the world, there's someone who has lost a spouse, a child, a friend, a parent, a neighbor, a loved one. There are people abused, violated, exploited, shamed, tormented, lost, abandoned, forgotten. Some suffer more than others while some are blessed beyond necessary. There will never be balance in this world because that's not the purpose of its creation. Adam was created for a purpose and he enjoyed the fruits of Paradise until he was led astray. So, no, this world will not know balance or justice in all matters. And nothing goes unwatched or forgotten when it comes to our Lord. He sees all that is happening, and prayers will not go unanswered. There is a reason for certain things to happen, regardless of how horrifying or unfair they may seem. We will not understand everything that happens. That doesn't mean that pain and suffering should be minimized. Our hearts bleed because they were made to feel. Desensitization is nothing to be proud of. Hearts weren't made to ignore each other's emotions.
I like to absorb into me all that surrounds me, which is why I'm so fascinated by how much there is to read, all that we could talk about, the infinite possibilities of creative work and construction, etc. The way the mind works, how the body functions, how people socialize, think, feel, develop as well as destroy, divide, hurt, leave, and die inside. All the different cultures, customs, traditions, religions, ways of living, eating, building, working, and being part of the problem and solution. Our spirituality, emotions, worldliness, physical needs, and intellectuality. The concepts of good and bad, growth and stagnation, success and failure, light and darkness, intimacy and isolation, support and hindrance, etc. The things we could learn and use, what we can adapt to and from, what we can teach and create, it's endless. God created us to have free will, to choose how we want to live and make best of our short existence on Earth. And everyone has an opinion of what we should and shouldn't do, of what we could and don't do. The biggest regret man has on his deathbed is wasting time, of not doing more and better things with the time they had been gifted with.
My mind wanders. I "write" in my mind, while I keep myself busy or simply relaxing. Depression cannot be blamed for everything, even for the lack of motivation I possess. Sure, the smallest things feel like a chore and I would much rather do nothing. But, even that is dissatisfying so I am not entirely sure what brings me constant comfort. I like being productive because it makes me feel like I'm making a difference, that I'm being useful with my existence, and that I have something to offer. At the same time, I know that I can offer the gift of relaxation to myself. I almost said I deserved it, but who knows what we truly deserve? Our viewing lens are narrow and biased. If we truly cared for one another, we would want the same for others that we want for ourselves. We wouldn't be so jealous or angry or resentful towards one another. So we view our worlds and other people with tainted lens, and we think we deserve the best of everything.
On a random note, I connected with my SU demonstrator, gave a brief introduction and showed her some of my recent cards. She thought they were cute. I've been using old used stamp sets since I cannot afford to invest in the new ones yet. They're still pretty useful - not like my recipients/buyers will really care if the stamps I used are "old." SU has nice stamps, but Papertrey Ink and Unity Stamp Co. have a greater variety. PTI also has really nice papers. I cannot wait to get my hands on those. My USC order should arrive by next week, and I'm so excited to make cards for other reasons besides birthdays! I've always liked to send random messages to friends, and this is a really creative way to do so. I want to learn how to make envelopes, gift boxes, and other crafty things. Someday I'll be hosting parties using the things I make. The kind of craft/study room I have will be so adorable since I'll design it myself! :)
I get to hang out with Julie tomorrow! We might get our nails done, have some lunch, chill by the water. On Monday, she and I will go to the Planetarium at AMNH in NYC. We're so excited. I haven't been to a museum in a loooooong time. I have a headache. I wanted to write more, but I've gotta go do more work in the kitchen.
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