how do you fight?

I had an idea for what I wanted to write but the words weren't flowing. I don't like conflict. I don't like disturbances to the harmony of a relationship. As much as I know it's common and normal for friends or couples to argue or disagree, it doesn't make it easier for me. It's great that some people can handle it without getting so anxious or overworked about it. That is awesome. That is so great that they learned to deal with things in a healthy manner and can be...normal...in a relationship. But that doesn't give anyone any right to make me feel bad or abnormal for not being able to tolerate conflict. Just like you don't tell someone who is depressed to "get over it" or someone with an anxiety order to do something that causes them any level of distress, you can't force someone to disregard their anxiety about conflict if they have never learned how. Take your time with that person. Expose them to it slowly. Comfort them every time they start to get anxious about it until they are able to tolerate it.

You shouldn't have to defend yourself so much. If people can't understand you, you should be able to let it go unless they keep pushing you or disrespecting you.

You know what trauma does to a person, especially when it happens at a young age? It stunts your emotional growth. It messes up your sense of security. If at a young age, you did not feel secure enough to voice your concerns, if you felt like you had to carry dark secrets, if you felt like you couldn't even go to your parents for protection, then how is that person supposed to learn to deal with anything when they get older? Adolescence is a time for you to explore your identity, to become more aware of yourself, to understand your emotional experiences a little more and to develop your relationships with people. But all I remember is being moody. I was always so emotional. And I learned it was all bad.

Fighting was bad. Expressing yourself was disrespectful. I learned that I had to say things the right way, using the right tone, at the right time. My parents are not horrible people. They meant well, but even with their seemingly good intentions, I became so self-conscious about how I came off, how I appeared, and if what I did was enough. Don't get me wrong, I received positive affirmations growing up and my parents were proud of my accomplishments. But I don't know at what point or why I always ended up focusing on what I did wrong. I didn't learn that making mistakes was okay or part of the process. It was usually "you should have tried harder" or "you should have known better."

I don't know how to fight. I just listen and process and take some space to deal with all the feelings that come up. I like to keep people happy. I will do whatever it takes to keep the peace in a relationship and if the person is hard to satisfy or toxic, then I separate ways from them. Even conflicts I've had with friends, we didn't know how to fight. We didn't talk things through until after we cooled down and learned what each person did "wrong." Regardless, we all needed the time to cool down. That's how we learned to fight. And then we got over it after we learned what the real issues were.

I think I get annoyed for other reasons. When I know the person isn't listening. When the person points out everything I did wrong just to make me feel bad without thinking for a second that maybe I'm genuinely unaware of my own mistake. I think the worst is when you are just having a seemingly normal conversation and it gets heated out of nowhere. I don't deal with interruptions or disruptions. It throws me off balance.

So tired. I am so emotional that I tend to come off as unemotional. Being vulnerable is not my thing. It doesn't feel safe enough.

At some point, these entries will get "better." This is only a part of me, and there are many parts to me. If I were to write an entry about crafting, you could say "wow, she's so passionate." If I were to write about my family, you could say "she's so blessed." If I were to write about my achievements in school and work, you could say, "she's so educated and knowledgeable." If I were to write an entry about my religion or spirituality, you could say "she's so conservative." I am all of those things and the opposite. You can't know happiness without knowing emptiness. You can't know what feeling bad is like unless you've felt good. You don't know light until you've been through darkness. Just remember, this is but a part of me. While I may not be fond of conflict, I am also very well connected with a lot of people and have strong relationships. You could say this is just my "weakness" -- something for me to work on, of course. The first step is acknowledgement of the problem.

Have a great night.