what is it?

All the thoughts shared in this blog are my opinions. I study abnormal psychology but it doesn't mean I am an expert on it. I mix in my own perspectives based on personal experiences, and this is a learning process for me as well. What exactly is depression? It's estimated that at least a quarter of people have had a depressive episode. Each person's experience with depression is different, considering there are a multitude of symptoms. People think depression means someone who is sad all the time, sleeps all the time, and barely eats. In the new DSM, it required that at least one of the symptoms is either depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure. But, I think that it should include irritability (like in the previous DSM).

At least 5 of the following are present in a two-week period:

1. depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report or observation made by others
2. markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
3. significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day
4. insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
5. psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day
6. fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
7. feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
8. diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
9. recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance or a general medical condition. 

(Source: DSM-5, American Psychiatric Association)

You've probably heard of the phrase functional alcoholics. I believe there should be a term for functional depressives. Some people are so good at masking their depression, being able to live seemingly productive, successful, well-integrated, social lives despite this debilitating disease. The amount of energy it takes for me to get out of bed every morning and get through each day, I could never explain. It feels like a war zone almost every day.

It has become to easier to tell people that I'm just tired or I'm having a rough week or that I may have ADHD or I am stressed about school/work instead of saying I am depressed or I am suffering from depression. It is exhausting to defend yourself (or to feel like you have to) especially when you don't quite understand why you have this. Was it from genetic predisposition? Was it past trauma? Was it because I didn't receive enough positive affirmations? Was it because I didn't feel secure or safe when I needed to most? Was it because no matter what I did or said, it had never been enough? Was I too sheltered or was I never given enough protection? Did I not receive enough love or the right kind of affection? Where did it go wrong? And why? Was it because I was more introverted and tend to analyze a lot? Was it because I liked to dream and had a hard time being mindful in the present? Was it because I was too sensitive and felt hurt easily?

I don't like depressing people. I don't feel okay to talk about it so I keep it to myself. I haven't written in months, maybe in over a year, and now I just want to get it all out. What results from writing may not be pretty. It will be messy. It will be ugly. It will be harsh. But eventually as I get through the anger and resentment and guilt and shame and horror, I will find the light and peace and save myself. If you can bear with me through this journey, then bless you. Maybe you'll learn something. Maybe you'll be able to relate and find comfort. Maybe you'll think differently of me because of my courage to be vulnerable. Regardless, this is for me to find healing within myself because no one could do it for me. There is no magic pill or perfect therapist. As I monitor myself for the next few weeks, I will share what I have found helpful and what I have found to be toxic to my recovery.