tuesdays

I can't wait to get through Tuesdays. I can't wait to get through work the first three days of the week. My stress and anxiety has been through the roof in last few days. It's been multiple areas of my life that are just getting to me and I can't deal with any of them right now. Somehow I've been getting some schoolwork done. I've been getting through individual sessions without too much of a struggle. But group work and everything else, I don't know how to cope. I don't sleep well. I eat too much. All this stuff is coming up for me. My choices and behavior not aligning with my values and goals. I just feel terrible inside and don't know how to express the pain and fears. I don't like to explain myself...over and over...I don't like having to express myself, only to get a response that doesn't express understanding. What's the point of sharing if people can't affirm or validate you? They want to hear what they want to hear.

I can't fix everything. Also, I can't fix anything because it's not my job to do that. Some things aren't really broken to begin with. My friend is going through a difficult time but even before that, she was experiencing a lot of distress and I just don't know how to be there for her. I even reached out asking what I could do or for some guidance on how to be a good friend and I haven't gotten any response about it. It's hard for her. And I have to accept that sometimes I just really can't do anything and that doesn't make me a bad friend. A lot of people are busy. Very few keep in touch regularly. I'm busy too. It's hard enough to focus on work, school, family stuff, relationship, my own interests and needs, and friends don't get as much attention anymore. I love knowing people but I've learned that I can't really be friends with everyone. I can't keep giving of myself, whether it's my time or words or anything else. I love crafting but boy does it take time to make cards, to find time to write out a message, to address an envelope, to get to a post office or mailbox. Don't people get how much time everything takes? I'm focused on details because that's the kind of person I am. I'm not a big-picture person. I have to take a couple of steps back to see the bigger picture.

Although in my head, I know there are ways to cope with the anger and anxiety and stress and whatnot. But I don't remember everything I've learned. Stress makes you forget a lot. Depression causes lack of focus and concentration. Is it a surprise that I am usually in a daze? Often just in my head or somewhere else? Telling me to be more present - what am I supposed to do with that? Being present is the hardest thing for me. To focus on someone's words long enough to get what they're saying. All that takes energy and being in the moment.

Being alone and having nothing to do - I should be able to do that without anyone making me feel guilty. I have so much on my plate right now, I think people should get off my back. It's already bad that I don't manage my time as well as I want to and so much of what I do depends on my MOOD. I am so flexible with people and open to compromise that nothing peeves me more when I have to deal with people who can't compromise or can't be flexible because they are too concerned with what THEY want instead. My needs are important to me, and I have a need for relaxation and rest away from people. If I don't get time alone to myself, my mind and body get stressed out and I try to pretend I'm fine, but I'm not. I become more forgetful, less focused, more depressed. All because I want to be left the fuck alone. Not wanting to be around people doesn't fuckin mean I don't like them or want to be around them. It means that sometimes I fuckin need the time to be by my fuckin self and I don't have a set time either. I don't have a 12 hour, 24 hour, 48 hour thing. Sometimes I may need a whole fuckin week to recuperate from the stress and shit from the week before. GOD. /end rant

It's hard to get to it, the stuff that has been bothering me. I feel like I'm going to need therapy for life.