what is this?

It's been extremely difficult to write. It's almost like reconnecting with someone you absolutely cannot stand to be near. I'll let myself do some freewriting because otherwise, the words will never get said. I wait for the "right" moment in every aspect of my life and end up missing out on all that could have been. My fears consume me. Diagnoses at this point would be utterly pointless because I'm not trying to find someone else to relate to. I mean, it's nice when you're understood and you're feeling validated, your feelings are taken seriously, your struggles are not minimized. That's all very nice. But the work is for me to do. This is not a first-world problem. I can count my blessings, but depression already stems from so much shame that you don't want someone to make you feel worse for not feeling better about how great your life is.

I have a great family. I have amazing friends. I have a good significant other. I have many accomplishments to be proud of academically and otherwise. I have skills and talent and good qualities. This thing called depression can sometimes be so powerful, it clouds the way you think, the way you feel, the way you see things. At its worst, it is crippling. At a moderate level, it's manageable and sometimes you even ask yourself if it's there. The "selfish" thing about it is that it becomes all about you. It comes between you and everything else but you end up blaming yourself for it because you define yourself by it. You don't separate it as an invader of the soul but rather as who you are and that couldn't be further from the truth when you start to unravel what it is all about.

So how do you fight the dark shadows that have been there for so long? In its twisted way it tried to protect you from falling apart. It saved you and you feel obligated to keep it around. It feels safe. It sucks out all your energy and makes life so painful but you tell yourself you've tolerated it before and you can manage it again. Over and over. You get glimpses of what life without it could be like and when it feels unsafe, you run back to what made you feel comfortable. It's safe to numb yourself rather than feel all that anger.

Counselors are told that they need to be sensitive when working with clients because sometimes it takes a few words, however well-intentioned they may be, to break someone's will. It takes a lot of effort just to seek help, to want to take a look inside and fix what is so wrong, a lot of courage to trust and rely on someone that they'll understand even part of what you're going through. But the moment you talk, all you receive are messages like "it's not so bad" "you can try harder" "you're dramatic" "but you're doing so great otherwise" separating you from your feelings, taking away those feelings, just killing them off because they don't belong there. Your depression is drama. It wants attention. You're playing victim. You should set it aside and focus only on the good things in your life because you have plenty to be thankful for.

I am angry. I am angry for not being more assertive, for minimizing my own pain, for adopting others beliefs about me, for not being more self-compassionate with myself for this that I endure every day. I am angry at others for their violations towards me but I avoid conflicts because change in relationships, change in my life is anxiety-provoking. I am numb in looking back at things that may have made me this way because I'm afraid of all the emotions that may come out. I need a safe place to express, explore, and work through my issues. I have a lot of broken pieces, and maybe that might be a little bit of an exaggeration but the way I see it and the way you perceive it doesn't have to match for me to validate my own feelings, my own existence.

This is not an excuse for my behavior or words towards others. There is no excuse towards being condescending or cruel to anyone else. Anybody who is like that has their own pain to deal with and is not ready to address it. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge your own shortcomings, your diseases. Sometimes I fear if the depression has become so bad that it has done irreversible damage to my thought processes. Will it ever be enough just for me to try?

I don't feel any better writing this. The only thing I'm seemingly good at it is putting things aside. Well, I find myself constantly tripping over that pile. That "right" moment doesn't exist. Waiting to be a better person before committing to a relationship, waiting to learn enough skills before working at a challenging job, waiting to figure out all the right things to say before addressing conflict...yeah, all those things don't have the right time. You do what you can to prepare and the rest is just a learning process, but one you can get through or either learn to walk away from.

Finding myself to be enough has been the hardest thing in the world that it makes me so in awe of those who are already there. Don't push me to get there because your experiences are different from mine. Don't push me is all I want to say to people. Don't tell me what to do, what to feel, what to think, how to behave, how to be better. That's for me to figure out on my own. Telling me any of these things makes me feel like you don't accept my choices or respect them. My whole life, I've been hearing how I should be because the way I am isn't enough. And now I'm just angry. Well, I'm irritated because I was told anger was wrong. I want to scream that none of this makes me a bitch either. How sad it is for a woman to express her feelings and to be defined as "difficult" or a "bitch." A man to express his feelings should be applauded! A man is rational and a woman is emotional. Why isn't it okay to just be different?

So much comes up. So much. I want some quiet time, some downtime. I want to have "me" time without any guilt or shame or anger or negative feelings attached to it. I also don't know what I want and want to be okay with not knowing. Just because there is no "right" time doesn't mean that there is no time when it's safe enough, comfortable enough, or perfect enough to take advantage of when it presents itself. But I don't know. I don't know.